Tag: Non-Monogamy

“Open” doesn’t mean “Pass to Cheat”


This morning I came across this article about Mo’Nique, a well known and award winning actress, speaking publicly about her open marriage to Sidney Hicks. It was based off part of an interview the actress had recently done for True Exclusives. Overall it’s a good article and Mo’Nique explains her feelings on why monogamy just doesn’t make sense to her in a way that I think can be very accessible to a wide audience.

What irked me about the article was the title! Corinne Heller titled the piece for NBC6 South Florida as “Mo’Nique Talks Open Relationships, With a Free Pass to Cheat: ‘I Don’t Want to Be Owned Anymore.” ‘Cheating’ is LITERALLY being dishonest!  “Free pass to cheat” doesn’t just imply but actually states that there is active deception and misleading going on between partners.  That’s not at all what Mo’Nique said! Specifically she says “We don’t cheat.”  She accurately points out that most cheating happens because people feel they aren’t getting something and how completely unreasonable it is to think that you or your partner will never find someone else attractive. She then talks about being open and honest with your partner about how you’re feeling.

“Often times people cheat because of something they’re not getting. But when you have open and honest dialogue and you say we’re just human beings and all these people on the face of the earth, do you think my eyes won’t ever say ‘he’s fine’ or ‘she’s attractive’. Now if you wanna go further with it, let’s be honest enough to have those conversations. What is it about that person that you find that you wanna sleep with? Because they may give you something that I’m simply not willing to do. And if that’s the case, how can I be mad? Because I’m not gon’ do it. Should I deprive you of not having it? That’s when the relationship is real real.”

People who openly communicate with each other about what they want and are honest about the types of relationships they are having DO NOT have a “pass to cheat”. They have a relationship that allows them to express themselves without the judgment and ridicule we find in many monogamous relationships and society in general.

The original interviewer is to blame for the specific line “free pass to cheat” when he asks Mo’Nique about her feelings of privacy in relationships. Unfortunately, Heller added it to the title of her piece which I fell misrepresents Mo’Niques actual feelings on non monogamy. I get the feeling they are there to grab readers attention because of their shock value.

So YAY Mo’Nique on being confident and comfortable enough to speak publicly about your open relationship. BOO to the author for keeping with the “free pass to cheat” way of thinking about non monogamy.


Great Comic on Non Monogamy from EverydayFeminism!


It’s awesome that we’re starting to see more ETHICAL non-monogamy in the media. Unfortunately, it currently rarely highlights non hetero, cis, primary couples. Plus we don’t really talk about the couples privilege that accompanies that setup. Luckily for us, Joamette Gill of EverydayFeminism created this great, short, visual to help explain some of the OTHER common ways non-monogamy is done!


Here’s one of the blocks but click through to see the whole comic!




Stood up


Whether you’re going solo or you’re going with another partner getting stood up kinda sucks. You’re excited to meet the new people, to see if you click, enjoy a night out. Then nothing. Tonight was a first for me: I got legitimately stood up. I had been chatting with a gentlemen who was interested in playing for the last few weeks and we seemed to get along well via email and text. I recommended grabbing dinner to get to know each other a bit before jumping into play. He seemed all about it even confirming just a few hours before. When the time came he not only didn’t show but he also didn’t text/call. So what’s a girl to do who is all dolled up sitting in a restaurant realizing that the other person just chickened out?

Here’s a few things to help make an unfortunate situation suck a little bit less.

Don’t Internalize It

Sometimes people think something sounds like a great idea but when it actually comes time they completely chicken out and are just too embarrassed to fess up. Remember that it probably doesn’t have anything to do with you. If they don’t have the decency to reach out and apologize they probably aren’t worth the energy or possibly a second chance.

Change the Expectation

The moment when the realization that the other party just isn’t showing up hits you sucks and leaves you with decision to make: do you stay or go. If you’re out with your partner this moment is softened a bit. You have someone there to enjoy the time with regardless if anyone else joins you. For those heading out single, like me, you’re left on your own. Tonight it was about 20 mins into waiting and an unreturned text later that I accepted he just wasn’t joining me. Instead of leaving, I decided fuck it and turned the evening into a solo date. If you’re really just not feeling like sticking around it’s absolutely ok to head out.

If You’re Solo Bring a Book

I was all dolled up and already at the restaurant so why not just enjoy a good meal! Since I’m a bibliophile I almost always have access to some sort of reading material either a physical book, my android, or my kindle. When I realized I was rolling solo for the night I just popped out my kindle and used the time as a nearly distraction free reading session. If reading is not your thing keep a pair of headphones in your bag/pocket and pop one earphone in while you eat. This way you can enjoy some music or podcast while you eat.  (I say one so that you can still be respectful of the waitstaff during the meal!)

Good food and a good read can make up for a no show.

At the end of the night it still sucks that the original plans fell through but being flexible and having a backup plan can make things suck just a little bit less.